A friend of mine posted a quote from Henri Nouwen the other day on her Tumblr account, that has had me meditating on the last year. On December 20 last year, God very specifically told me that He was going to teach me patience.
"How do we wait for God? With patience. But patience does not mean passivity. Waiting patiently is not like waiting for the bus to come, the rain to stop, or the sun to rise. It is an active waiting in which we live the present moment to the full in order to find there the signs of the One we are waiting for.
The word patience comes from the Latin verb 'patior' which means "to suffer." Waiting patiently is suffering through the present moment, tasting it to the full, and letting the seeds that are sown in the ground on which we stand grow into strong plants. Waiting patiently always means paying attention to what is happening right before our eyes and seeing there the first rays of God's glorious coming." Henri Nouwen
I remember with vivid detail the conversation I had with God that day: "My Vicki, you need to learn patience." "No I don't. I'm happy just the way I am." "Are you really? Don't you want more?" "But, God - I have never asked you for patience because I know just how painful it will be for YOU to teach me." "My dear Vicki. I want you to have ALL the fruits of MY Spirit, not just the ones you think you want." a very long pause. "I know. But that doesn't mean I want to learn how to be patient."
About 20 minutes later I received a very painful phone call the confirmed God was indeed starting my lesson. When I read this quote, my conversation with God vividly jumped to the front of my mind. I never knew the root of the word, but I believe with my whole heart that patience is grown through suffering. Romans 5:3-5 tells us that; And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. The original Greek for perseverance (hypomone) can also be translated to mean endurance, steadfastness, patience, patient and patiently.
However, this is a different word (makrothymia) than used in the original Greek in Galatians 5 when Paul is teaching us of the fruits of the Spirit. Now, I'm not a Bible Greek Scholar, so I am not sure why there are multiple words for patience. But, what I have come to realize over the last year that the Fruit of Patience is different than the Patience we learn. Like Nouwen said, patience is not passively waiting. It is actively waiting for what God has planned next, eagerly anticipating the fulfillment of the promise.
Just like the Israelite's waited for over 400 years for Christ to be born, we wait for His coming. But before that, we wait for His calling in this life. But that doesn't give us permission to do nothing. We fight on, running after God one step at a time. Only we are running in the dark. We will trip and fall. There will be bumps, bruises, broken bones, concussions, and even periods of near death. Yet, "for the joy set before us, we continue to run the race" knowing God will keep His promises. This is what learning hypomone means to me. It is from God, for God and like the Latin root, it is full of suffering. This was the only experience of patience I have known until last month.
Makrothymia finally came to me at the Global Health Mission Conference. I had a moment there where I finally was able to say, without fear, "God - it's all in your timing. I trust you. I trust your timing and trust you will keep your promises to me." I believe that feeling of peace from God during while actively waiting on HIM is the Fruit of the Spirit.
I am still waiting for God to answer the promise He gave me. I don't know how or when, but I know it will give HIM the maximum glory. But the difference a year makes, mean I wait with joy, with eager anticipation. Knowing that, like Christmas morning, the day will come and it will be glorious!
04 December 2013
24 March 2013
Power of Hunger
I can't speak highly enough of the book "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson. It's a book that will change the way you approach prayer. The author gives a lot of examples of how his prayers were answered, some of them how he wanted them and others not what he wanted, but by going through the process of "praying through" he was able to experience God more and see that what he thought he wanted was wrong. Or at least not what God had in mind.
I don't want to rehash the book - I want you to read it - but the highlights include praying specifically, praying big, and praying through - meaning sometimes God wants us to experience praying for the long haul using various examples from the Bibles about how long people had to wait and pray. There was one chapter/topic that really convicted me. It was about prayer and fasting.
Now, I've always believed in fasting and have fasted from various things for Lent since I became a follower of Christ. And every year I engage in a couple 24-48 hour periods of complete fasting. Yet, I've never gone into a long period of deprivation like described in this book. I was reading this shorting after spending a week meditating on Jesus's temptation by Satan in the desert. Jesus had fasted for 40 days and nights prior to this temptation. Can you imagine, complete fasting for that long, only to have the devil show up and off you bread? I know I wouldn't have been able to resist. I mean, I less than 3 weeks into this personal fast, and I have already been weak and cheated twice. Before you get worried, it's not a complete fast - I am being safe and healthy, but also purposefully allowing myself to hunger so I can hunger more for God.
This is my third week. The first two seemed easy...but that's because I wasn't working 12-13 hour days on 3-4 hours of sleep each night. So I'm not surprised that I have felt and experienced God's love and been opened up to see Him working around me than in the last month or so. I'm not saying because I fasted this God did this. I'm saying, that deep hunger made me more acutely aware of my other senses.
There is something else about a purposeful fast with prayer. It shows God how serious and deeply you are praying - whether it is for something specific or just to grow closer to God. God loves and wants sacrifice from us. He wants us to show HIM that He is more important to us that any earthly thing. Any sacrifice we make for God's sake, will be blessed. Not always in the way we want it, but He will use and bless our sacrifices.
When I find myself hungering at work, and smell the pizza and Jimmy Johns sitting in the break room - have to stop and remember why I am doing this. My specific prayers right now and conviction for an extended fast I don't want to share online. But each hunger pain I have to decide, what is more important to me, this temporary affliction or my reasons for prayer, sacrifice, and praise?
God put the date May 5, 2013 on my heart when He convicted me to do this fast. I have no idea why. I admit to failing a few times already. And I admit to not being as devoted to prayer on some days as others. But, wow, does HE still answer prayers and open my eyes and heart to learn more of His truths.
I don't want to rehash the book - I want you to read it - but the highlights include praying specifically, praying big, and praying through - meaning sometimes God wants us to experience praying for the long haul using various examples from the Bibles about how long people had to wait and pray. There was one chapter/topic that really convicted me. It was about prayer and fasting.
Now, I've always believed in fasting and have fasted from various things for Lent since I became a follower of Christ. And every year I engage in a couple 24-48 hour periods of complete fasting. Yet, I've never gone into a long period of deprivation like described in this book. I was reading this shorting after spending a week meditating on Jesus's temptation by Satan in the desert. Jesus had fasted for 40 days and nights prior to this temptation. Can you imagine, complete fasting for that long, only to have the devil show up and off you bread? I know I wouldn't have been able to resist. I mean, I less than 3 weeks into this personal fast, and I have already been weak and cheated twice. Before you get worried, it's not a complete fast - I am being safe and healthy, but also purposefully allowing myself to hunger so I can hunger more for God.
This is my third week. The first two seemed easy...but that's because I wasn't working 12-13 hour days on 3-4 hours of sleep each night. So I'm not surprised that I have felt and experienced God's love and been opened up to see Him working around me than in the last month or so. I'm not saying because I fasted this God did this. I'm saying, that deep hunger made me more acutely aware of my other senses.
There is something else about a purposeful fast with prayer. It shows God how serious and deeply you are praying - whether it is for something specific or just to grow closer to God. God loves and wants sacrifice from us. He wants us to show HIM that He is more important to us that any earthly thing. Any sacrifice we make for God's sake, will be blessed. Not always in the way we want it, but He will use and bless our sacrifices.
When I find myself hungering at work, and smell the pizza and Jimmy Johns sitting in the break room - have to stop and remember why I am doing this. My specific prayers right now and conviction for an extended fast I don't want to share online. But each hunger pain I have to decide, what is more important to me, this temporary affliction or my reasons for prayer, sacrifice, and praise?
God put the date May 5, 2013 on my heart when He convicted me to do this fast. I have no idea why. I admit to failing a few times already. And I admit to not being as devoted to prayer on some days as others. But, wow, does HE still answer prayers and open my eyes and heart to learn more of His truths.
11 March 2013
The Difference a Year Makes
Tomorrow is the one year mark of my match day. For those of you not in the medical field, Match Day is the biggest day of your career. It's when you find out where you are going to do your residency. It's a pretty big deal. Especially if you don't match into a residency. You have to enter into the scramble, which is a painful process of finding out which residencies have openings and apply and hope you find one to take you. As you all know, I had to go through this process. I blogged about it last year, you can go back and read all of the details. That's not the purpose of today's post. I have been reflecting all day on the things that I have experienced and who I have become because I did not match. I want to share and praise God for what HE has done in one short year.
Since I had been praying for God to provide a way for me to stay in the area and not have to leave my church, once I saw there were openings in the area in Family Medicine, I knew this was God's plan for me. I had begun to sense He was about to do something big in my life, but I never imagined it would be like this.
By applying for pediatric residencies, I was able to do month long rotations in pediatric heme/onc, pulmonology, infectious disease and ER. These are all rotations that I would not be able to do as a family medicine (FM) resident. So blessing #1 from scrambling is that I have that much more experience with diseases in children than the other residents in my class. Also, by having to scramble, God got, still gets, all credit for putting me where I needed to be.
I was able to see my nephew moments after he was born and see my sister hold her son for the first time. Since my residency is focused on clinical, not hospital, rotations, I have had every Sunday off this year so far (I will have to work Sunday's next month). Which means, not only did I get to stay at my church, but I still get to teach Sunday School twice a month. I was also able to join a women's Bible Study once a week and recently was able to co-lead a study on Nehemiah. I fell in love for the first time and was able to experience what being in love and being loved really feels like. I have met so many amazing people, have been touched by so many patients and am overly blessed with what God has given me this year.
Most importantly, in the last 3 months, thanks to circumstances I know only happened because of my match results, I have grown more as a daughter of Christ than in the last 10 years combined. I never realized how deeply wounded I was and I how I was continuously shutting people out. I never realized that even though I was confessing faith and trust in God, I was actually still trying to make my own success. For the first time in my Christian life, I am 100% surrendered to God's leading and will in my life. I finally trust and believe in His plan and can't wait for HIM to continue to shape my life. I have been made for something great. I will continue to touch and change lives. I will continue to give HIM all the glory HE deserves.
I can't wait to see what this next year will bring!
Since I had been praying for God to provide a way for me to stay in the area and not have to leave my church, once I saw there were openings in the area in Family Medicine, I knew this was God's plan for me. I had begun to sense He was about to do something big in my life, but I never imagined it would be like this.
By applying for pediatric residencies, I was able to do month long rotations in pediatric heme/onc, pulmonology, infectious disease and ER. These are all rotations that I would not be able to do as a family medicine (FM) resident. So blessing #1 from scrambling is that I have that much more experience with diseases in children than the other residents in my class. Also, by having to scramble, God got, still gets, all credit for putting me where I needed to be.
I was able to see my nephew moments after he was born and see my sister hold her son for the first time. Since my residency is focused on clinical, not hospital, rotations, I have had every Sunday off this year so far (I will have to work Sunday's next month). Which means, not only did I get to stay at my church, but I still get to teach Sunday School twice a month. I was also able to join a women's Bible Study once a week and recently was able to co-lead a study on Nehemiah. I fell in love for the first time and was able to experience what being in love and being loved really feels like. I have met so many amazing people, have been touched by so many patients and am overly blessed with what God has given me this year.
Most importantly, in the last 3 months, thanks to circumstances I know only happened because of my match results, I have grown more as a daughter of Christ than in the last 10 years combined. I never realized how deeply wounded I was and I how I was continuously shutting people out. I never realized that even though I was confessing faith and trust in God, I was actually still trying to make my own success. For the first time in my Christian life, I am 100% surrendered to God's leading and will in my life. I finally trust and believe in His plan and can't wait for HIM to continue to shape my life. I have been made for something great. I will continue to touch and change lives. I will continue to give HIM all the glory HE deserves.
I can't wait to see what this next year will bring!
10 March 2013
Tribulation leads to HOPE!*
I intend to continue going through Captivating on here. The last 6 or so weeks have been a whirl wind. Between boards (which I nailed!) and going to the most beautifully amazing wedding ever in the Dominican Republic, I've not had as much time as I wanted to blog. I've also been voraciously reading other books that have been touching my soul, refining me, and enabling me to more fully rely on God.
I'm trying to decide how much I'm willing to share on here of what I am learning about myself and God's love. Pain is required for growth. What I have learned is that by hiding and shutting people out due to fear of pain will actually cause more pain then letting people in. So while I process more, and work on blogging the rest of Captivating, I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from a great book.
The book is "Victory over the Darkness" by Neil. T. Anderson. I highly recommend this book everyone. It really helps you put your life into a proper perspective, especially the part about goals vs desires. It helps solidify your identity in Christ.
"If what you believe does not reflect the truth, then what you feel does not reflect reality." pg 156
"The peace of God is internal, not external. Peace with God is something you already have. The peace of God is something that you need to appropriate daily in your inner world in the midst of the storms that rage in the external world." pg 140
"God is a rational God and He does work through our ability to reason. The problem is that our ability to reason is limited and prone to rationalization...We are incapable of determining God's thoughts through human reasoning; therefore, we are dependent on divine revelation." pg 150
"Satan's strategy is to introduce his thoughts and ideas into your mind and deceive you into believing they are yours." pg 159
This next chunk was the part of the book that struck me the most. It is so true. There is a lot of science behind it as well.
"In a general sense, your emotions are a product of your thought life. If you are not thinking right, if your mind is not being renewed, if you are not perceiving God and His Word properly, it will show up in your emotional life. If you fail to acknowledge your emotions appropriately, you may become spiritually vulnerable. ... In reality we have very little control over our emotions, but we do have control over our thoughts, and our thoughts determine our feelings and our responses. That is why it is so important that you fill your mind with the knowledge of God and His Word. You need to see life form God's perspective and respond accordingly." pgs 170-171
This last quote sums up everything I have been struggling with for the last 10 years.
"Fear compels people to do what they should not do and inhibits them from doing what they should do." pg 221
*But we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured our in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5: 3-5
My brethern, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. James 1: 2-3
I'm trying to decide how much I'm willing to share on here of what I am learning about myself and God's love. Pain is required for growth. What I have learned is that by hiding and shutting people out due to fear of pain will actually cause more pain then letting people in. So while I process more, and work on blogging the rest of Captivating, I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from a great book.
The book is "Victory over the Darkness" by Neil. T. Anderson. I highly recommend this book everyone. It really helps you put your life into a proper perspective, especially the part about goals vs desires. It helps solidify your identity in Christ.
"If what you believe does not reflect the truth, then what you feel does not reflect reality." pg 156
"The peace of God is internal, not external. Peace with God is something you already have. The peace of God is something that you need to appropriate daily in your inner world in the midst of the storms that rage in the external world." pg 140
"God is a rational God and He does work through our ability to reason. The problem is that our ability to reason is limited and prone to rationalization...We are incapable of determining God's thoughts through human reasoning; therefore, we are dependent on divine revelation." pg 150
"Satan's strategy is to introduce his thoughts and ideas into your mind and deceive you into believing they are yours." pg 159
This next chunk was the part of the book that struck me the most. It is so true. There is a lot of science behind it as well.
"In a general sense, your emotions are a product of your thought life. If you are not thinking right, if your mind is not being renewed, if you are not perceiving God and His Word properly, it will show up in your emotional life. If you fail to acknowledge your emotions appropriately, you may become spiritually vulnerable. ... In reality we have very little control over our emotions, but we do have control over our thoughts, and our thoughts determine our feelings and our responses. That is why it is so important that you fill your mind with the knowledge of God and His Word. You need to see life form God's perspective and respond accordingly." pgs 170-171
This last quote sums up everything I have been struggling with for the last 10 years.
"Fear compels people to do what they should not do and inhibits them from doing what they should do." pg 221
*But we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured our in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5: 3-5
My brethern, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. James 1: 2-3
17 January 2013
The Gospel of Ruth
Ok, obviously I know that Ruth is not one of the four Gospels. Several years ago my church in Minneapolis did a sermon series by that title. I loved it. I relisten to it every couple years. It really opened my eyes to the big picture of what was going on in Ruth and it confirmed in my heart that Ruth is my hero in the Bible. After I gave my life to Christ, Ruth became my favorite female character. I see a lot of similarities between us.
She was not an Israelite by birth, but what I love about her conversion is that she saw God's faithfulness in her husband's family and made the choice to leave what she knew to blindly and faithfully follow God. Other characteristics of hers that I love are; she is diligent, hard working, loyal, faithful, Humble, brave, strong, independent, she takes initiative, and above all else she was vulnerable.
While I have always striven to be like Ruth. My hearts desire is to have such a strong and vocal faith in God, that when people talk about me they say, "All that you have done for you [mother-in-law after the death of your husband] has been fully reported to me, and how you left your father and your mother and the land of your birth, and come to a people that you did not previously know. May the LORD reward your work, and your wages be full from the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to seek refuge." It's not that I am looking to be the talk of town, I just want my faith to be so evident to all that meet me, this is how they would talk of me.
There is one characteristic that Ruth had that I have always lacked. Ruth risked everything to be Vulnerable at Boaz's feet because she trusted in God. While I have always trusted God, and am rather trusting of people in general (almost to a fault) but when it comes to being vulnerable, I never have truly been. And this is the one thing I long for the most. I want to be vulnerable, to open my heart and life to my friends. To love them and most importantly let them love me.
She was not an Israelite by birth, but what I love about her conversion is that she saw God's faithfulness in her husband's family and made the choice to leave what she knew to blindly and faithfully follow God. Other characteristics of hers that I love are; she is diligent, hard working, loyal, faithful, Humble, brave, strong, independent, she takes initiative, and above all else she was vulnerable.
While I have always striven to be like Ruth. My hearts desire is to have such a strong and vocal faith in God, that when people talk about me they say, "All that you have done for you [mother-in-law after the death of your husband] has been fully reported to me, and how you left your father and your mother and the land of your birth, and come to a people that you did not previously know. May the LORD reward your work, and your wages be full from the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to seek refuge." It's not that I am looking to be the talk of town, I just want my faith to be so evident to all that meet me, this is how they would talk of me.
There is one characteristic that Ruth had that I have always lacked. Ruth risked everything to be Vulnerable at Boaz's feet because she trusted in God. While I have always trusted God, and am rather trusting of people in general (almost to a fault) but when it comes to being vulnerable, I never have truly been. And this is the one thing I long for the most. I want to be vulnerable, to open my heart and life to my friends. To love them and most importantly let them love me.
06 January 2013
The Full Weight of the Curse
The second half of chapter 3 of Captivating describes the 2 types of women that are still being controlled by the curse. Dominating or Desolate women, or a combination of the two. I'm just going to describe the two types first and then get into why this hit me so hard, and how God used this to break me.
Dominating Women
Fallen Eve controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She doesn't need a man. That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world. Controlling women tend to be very well rewarded in this fallen world of ours. pgs 53-54
Desolate Women
Sadly, desolate women also tend to hide their true selves. We are certain that if other really knew us, they wouldn't like us - and we can't risk the loss of a relationship. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts. And it has never occurred to us that in all our hiding, something precious in us is also squelched, diminished, and refused. pgs 55-57
Wow - both of these descriptions are really convicting. And when we all think about it, we can all admit to times when we have acted in each of these ways. I know that as I read the description of the Dominating Woman, God was slicing and dicing my heart to pieces. I realized that I felt this author was describing me as she wrote this section. I mean after all, that is how I have had to be in order to get where I am in life so far.
Then I hit the description of the Desolate Woman. "To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less." Yep, that rings true too.
The chapter ends with, "Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will be known - if it hasn't already been discovered - and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. That is a woman's worst fear - abandonment."
These words were daggers to my soul. All of them true. Our biggest fear - abandonment.
So what are you thoughts? To the women that read this, have you experienced this in your own life? How have you handled it? And/or how did you over come this? To the men out there, do you recognize these traits in the women that you know? Have you attributed it our fallen state or just blown it off as that's how women are? I truly am interested in your input.
Dominating Women
Fallen Eve controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She doesn't need a man. That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world. Controlling women tend to be very well rewarded in this fallen world of ours. pgs 53-54
Desolate Women
Sadly, desolate women also tend to hide their true selves. We are certain that if other really knew us, they wouldn't like us - and we can't risk the loss of a relationship. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts. And it has never occurred to us that in all our hiding, something precious in us is also squelched, diminished, and refused. pgs 55-57
Wow - both of these descriptions are really convicting. And when we all think about it, we can all admit to times when we have acted in each of these ways. I know that as I read the description of the Dominating Woman, God was slicing and dicing my heart to pieces. I realized that I felt this author was describing me as she wrote this section. I mean after all, that is how I have had to be in order to get where I am in life so far.
Then I hit the description of the Desolate Woman. "To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less." Yep, that rings true too.
The chapter ends with, "Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will be known - if it hasn't already been discovered - and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. That is a woman's worst fear - abandonment."
These words were daggers to my soul. All of them true. Our biggest fear - abandonment.
So what are you thoughts? To the women that read this, have you experienced this in your own life? How have you handled it? And/or how did you over come this? To the men out there, do you recognize these traits in the women that you know? Have you attributed it our fallen state or just blown it off as that's how women are? I truly am interested in your input.
03 January 2013
Sins and Curses
To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you. Genesis 3:16
This verse has caused me grief for over 14 years. I've struggled trying to understand what Eve's curse means to me. I've had discussions with pastors, read articles, and even took an intensive course on the first 12 chapters of Genesis. Yet I was unable to come to a conclusion as to what this curse means to mean. Obviously I know that I am a sinner. And I am acutely aware of what sins I struggle with daily. But sin is different that the curse given here. Sin came into the world when Eve decided she decided she knew what was better for her than God. And when it comes to my sins, that can be traced to the root cause of my sins. I think I know better than God. Thankfully I don't.
But the curse. As a single woman, what does that mean for me? Since I am single, there is no potential for childbirth. I tried to link it just to pain with menses, but no I don't think you can stretch it that far. So as of right now, this part of the curse is not applicable to me - though I am really looking forward to the day it will!
So what about the second half. My desire will be for my husband, and he will rule over you. What on earth does that mean? I desire for a husband? No, it doesn't imply that at all. All of the reading and research and conversations I have had over time seem to agree that the meaning behind this verse is wives are to submit to their husbands. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church. HE himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24 So again, how does this apply to me as a single woman. I never was able to come up with an answer to this question.
Chapter 3 of Captivating discusses the primary question that all women struggle with. We all want to know if we matter at all. Are we captivating? The Eldridges state that all men struggle with the basic question, "Do I have what it takes?" and all women ask, "Am I lovely?" They go on to say, "Nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable, to have her question answered, 'YES!'"
It goes on to bring this question back to the fall and the curse. Adam's curse is universal to all men, everything they do will be only through toil and their biggest fear is risking failure. John Eldridge says in chapter 3 "[Adam] denied his very nature and went passive...Every man repeats the sin of Adam, every day. We won't risk, we won't fight, and we won't rescue Eve." quoted from Wild at Heart. He goes on to say that we can easily see men following this pattern today, "Men, just when we need them to come through for us...they check out. They disappear, go silent and passive." Ok, I can see this. It makes sense and works for all men, single and married. "A man is cursed with futility and failure. Failure is a man's worst fear."
Then they move on to women. Starting the the root of Eve's sin, "We tend to be grasping, reaching, controlling." Yup, yup and yup. "We believe that in order to have the life we want, we must take matters into our own hands. And we ache with emptiness nothing seems able to fill." Yup and yup. At this point in the chapter, I was like CRAP, she can read my mind.
"Woman is cursed with loneliness, with the urge to control, and with the dominance of men." This is described in the book as having relational heartache, a need to control her man and having to live in a world dominated by men which is not how the world was created to be. They go on to say, "Most women hate their vulnerability. We are not inviting - we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves and control our worlds to have some sense of security."
Wow - did this hit me hard. My curse is played out daily in my loneliness and need to control my life. Wow! Wow wow! I have been running and hiding and building walls around my heart and life to protect myself because vulnerability is the scariest thing I can think of experiencing. Being vulnerable means allowing your self open up to someone enough for them to hurt you. And since we are all human, we will fail each other and hurt each other.
At this point in the chapter, I nearly broke down. I was finally starting to realize the full weight of my sin. And what the curse means for me. And wow...does it hurt.
Stay tuned for the 2nd half of chapter 3.
This verse has caused me grief for over 14 years. I've struggled trying to understand what Eve's curse means to me. I've had discussions with pastors, read articles, and even took an intensive course on the first 12 chapters of Genesis. Yet I was unable to come to a conclusion as to what this curse means to mean. Obviously I know that I am a sinner. And I am acutely aware of what sins I struggle with daily. But sin is different that the curse given here. Sin came into the world when Eve decided she decided she knew what was better for her than God. And when it comes to my sins, that can be traced to the root cause of my sins. I think I know better than God. Thankfully I don't.
But the curse. As a single woman, what does that mean for me? Since I am single, there is no potential for childbirth. I tried to link it just to pain with menses, but no I don't think you can stretch it that far. So as of right now, this part of the curse is not applicable to me - though I am really looking forward to the day it will!
So what about the second half. My desire will be for my husband, and he will rule over you. What on earth does that mean? I desire for a husband? No, it doesn't imply that at all. All of the reading and research and conversations I have had over time seem to agree that the meaning behind this verse is wives are to submit to their husbands. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church. HE himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24 So again, how does this apply to me as a single woman. I never was able to come up with an answer to this question.
Chapter 3 of Captivating discusses the primary question that all women struggle with. We all want to know if we matter at all. Are we captivating? The Eldridges state that all men struggle with the basic question, "Do I have what it takes?" and all women ask, "Am I lovely?" They go on to say, "Nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable, to have her question answered, 'YES!'"
It goes on to bring this question back to the fall and the curse. Adam's curse is universal to all men, everything they do will be only through toil and their biggest fear is risking failure. John Eldridge says in chapter 3 "[Adam] denied his very nature and went passive...Every man repeats the sin of Adam, every day. We won't risk, we won't fight, and we won't rescue Eve." quoted from Wild at Heart. He goes on to say that we can easily see men following this pattern today, "Men, just when we need them to come through for us...they check out. They disappear, go silent and passive." Ok, I can see this. It makes sense and works for all men, single and married. "A man is cursed with futility and failure. Failure is a man's worst fear."
Then they move on to women. Starting the the root of Eve's sin, "We tend to be grasping, reaching, controlling." Yup, yup and yup. "We believe that in order to have the life we want, we must take matters into our own hands. And we ache with emptiness nothing seems able to fill." Yup and yup. At this point in the chapter, I was like CRAP, she can read my mind.
"Woman is cursed with loneliness, with the urge to control, and with the dominance of men." This is described in the book as having relational heartache, a need to control her man and having to live in a world dominated by men which is not how the world was created to be. They go on to say, "Most women hate their vulnerability. We are not inviting - we are guarded. Most of our energy is spent trying to hide our true selves and control our worlds to have some sense of security."
Wow - did this hit me hard. My curse is played out daily in my loneliness and need to control my life. Wow! Wow wow! I have been running and hiding and building walls around my heart and life to protect myself because vulnerability is the scariest thing I can think of experiencing. Being vulnerable means allowing your self open up to someone enough for them to hurt you. And since we are all human, we will fail each other and hurt each other.
At this point in the chapter, I nearly broke down. I was finally starting to realize the full weight of my sin. And what the curse means for me. And wow...does it hurt.
Stay tuned for the 2nd half of chapter 3.
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