The second half of chapter 3 of Captivating describes the 2 types of women that are still being controlled by the curse. Dominating or Desolate women, or a combination of the two. I'm just going to describe the two types first and then get into why this hit me so hard, and how God used this to break me.
Dominating Women
Fallen Eve controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She doesn't need a man. That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world. Controlling women tend to be very well rewarded in this fallen world of ours. pgs 53-54
Desolate Women
Sadly, desolate women also tend to hide their true selves. We are certain that if other really knew us, they wouldn't like us - and we can't risk the loss of a relationship. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts. And it has never occurred to us that in all our hiding, something precious in us is also squelched, diminished, and refused. pgs 55-57
Wow - both of these descriptions are really convicting. And when we all think about it, we can all admit to times when we have acted in each of these ways. I know that as I read the description of the Dominating Woman, God was slicing and dicing my heart to pieces. I realized that I felt this author was describing me as she wrote this section. I mean after all, that is how I have had to be in order to get where I am in life so far.
Then I hit the description of the Desolate Woman. "To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less." Yep, that rings true too.
The chapter ends with, "Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will be known - if it hasn't already been discovered - and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. That is a woman's worst fear - abandonment."
These words were daggers to my soul. All of them true. Our biggest fear - abandonment.
So what are you thoughts? To the women that read this, have you experienced this in your own life? How have you handled it? And/or how did you over come this? To the men out there, do you recognize these traits in the women that you know? Have you attributed it our fallen state or just blown it off as that's how women are? I truly am interested in your input.
6 comments:
I have always struggled as the Desolate woman. When I liked a guy...I ran and hid. The only reason I ended up with Matt is he was brave enough to corner me every week in my apartment! Even now it's a struggle for me. I never once doubt that Matt (and God) love me. I just can't understand why. I will say the best thing that happened in our relationship was when I finally was just honest about how I felt. Laying everything out in the open started bringing healing.
My only caution to what this author is saying is that she appears to leave no room for a third alternative--that there are also some people (men and women) who are called to a single life. To narrow the word "relationship" to "everyone needs a mate," narrows personhood to a biological definition.
Granted, I think these people are a minority of people, but I believe they represent something very real and necessary in God's community. Just ask the apostle Paul.
The institutional church has dealt poorly with it. Those of a more catholic theology have tried and have certainly made mistakes. Those of a more Protestant reformation theology sort of deny the possibility and it remains the elephant under the rug.
That said, the process of discernment in that track is just as arduous as the track this author describes, and I think one should take care to be open to the third possibility.
Hearing you say that, confirms to me that I for sure am the Dominating woman. When ever I like a guy, my mind automatically starts wondering what I can do or need to do to make it happen. I would pray about it, but actively I would try to make him like me. I see parts of the Desolate woman in me, but I think that is on a deeper level that has been keeping everyone I know at arms length. Some get in closer, but for the most part I'll go after friendship and then put up walls.
I am working on changing all of this. Or should I say, God is changing me...and I'm finally letting him.
I completely agree with you Kirkepiscatoid on that third option. There are people who are called to a single life and the church has not dealt with it very well. One thing about this author is, I think most of the book is written with married women in mind. Most of it has that kind of spin.
I didn't do a good job of describing these are the type of women she describes as a result of the fall. The third type (which will be my next post) is Redeemed Eve. I also think that these "personalities" are applicable to all relationships women have - friends, family, spouses, potential spouses, kids, coworkers, in the church, etc. I've seen God show me in the last week how my dominating self has probably kept a lot of close female friends at arms length as well.
I have actually spent time in pray about that third option, and I don't think I have been given that gift or called to that life style. I truly think that God has placed the desire for a husband and kids on my heart.
I also see both the Domineering and Desolate aspects of myself in many situations, much like a yin/yang inter-balance. For me, I think the Desolate is predominant, and I think it is the Domineering tendencies in my thought process that has tended to keep some relationships at arm's length. What got my attention, though, is the statement that what women fear most is abandonment. I tried to let that resonate with my own heart and I'm not sure if it's true. I think my greatest fear is humiliation, or to be looked down upon, which maybe is a form of abandonment, but not in the most straightforward sense.
And then for some reason the comment box wouldn't let me type any more. Maybe it is a sign. :-) I'm going to try following via audiobook, and I'll let you know when I've made it through chapter 3 again since the first time I was only kinda half-listening. !
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