God Lives Inside Me

At church this morning, we dove back into studying Romans. I will never get tired of learning from that book. I am not sure how long the actual series is going to be, however we started Part 2 this morning with Romans 5. I have never looked at the first half of chapter 5 from this point of view before, but I am so glad that Pastor Bob preached from this point of view. He prefaced the sermon by saying that he has a "canned" sermon that he gives when he is asked to preach or speak but is given no direction about what to talk about. He calls that sermon, "Why I Like Being a Christian." After digging into the passage, I don't really like his title for the canned sermon, I think it undersells the topic. But the message sure is strong. He also said that his prayer was that by the time we reached our cars one of the eight "reasons" would resonate with us so much it would shake the core of who we think we are in Christ.

Romans 5:1-11
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, know that tribulation bring about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. An not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.

Since failing COMLEX Step I last June, I have been living under the pressure of my world (medical education), hearing things like "If you fail boards, you will only be able to get Family Practice for residency." or "You won't get an interview with a fail on your records." Also, as a DO I hear statements condemning my choice of schools and being told I am going to be held to a different standard. Not only that, when I took the first step of boards, I was planning on going into family practice and therefore did not see a reason to take the USMLE (the board exam that MD's take. In theory, should be the same as COMLEX only without the OMM material.) I did pass Step I on my second try, but not with a very "competitive" score. I have since passed Step II - again, in my world not with a high enough score to make up for failing Step I. Fast forward to April 2011, when I realized I was being called into Pediatrics not Family Practice. The pressure got even worse as there are only 60 spots each year in the "DO World" to be trained as a pediatrician, while there are almost 3000 in the "MD World."

I have spent so many hours since then on my knees trying to make sure that I place my focus and value on God, not on what my world says. Because by my world's standards I am not worthy to be in certain areas of medicine. I stay positive and praise God daily that I know that through HIM all things are possible. And I have been trusting that if HE wanted me to be a pediatrician, HE would get me through these hurdles.

Over the last 3 months I have done 3 audition rotations at pediatric residency programs to which I have applied, 1 DO and 2 MD programs. I thought that I would be fighting an uphill battle in the MD world, but I have not had to at all in the application process. Actually, of the 21 programs I have applied to I have received 6 interviews, all at MD programs. I have heard nothing from the DO programs to which I applied. I have found this rather striking. Then, on Friday during my last day of audition rotations, my attending sat me down and told me everything that impressed him about. I sat in awe, because the things he praised me on were things that I did not think were my strengths. He saw more in me than I ever saw in myself in the last 3 months. What was even more striking, during my first interview last week, not one of my three interviewers even brought up my failed COMLEX score nor the fact that I didn't take the USMLE. I have spent most of the weekend reflecting on these "undeserved" praises.

Extra #4 that comes with being in Christ's Family is a fact that I have known for 13 years (the irony of this all happening on my 13th rebirthday has not escaped me either). God is inside of me. There are several verses that support this in scriptures, but today's was based on Roman's 5:5: The love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. God lives inside of me. He has for 13 years now. Everything I do in this life is only because He is there guiding the way. Not only does His love live in my heart, but I have the almighty, all-powerful God living inside me. These words have been resonating in my soul all day.

I have been praying so long for God to give me the strength, knowledge, ability to become a doctor - and now a pediatrician. But what I have failed to realize is that I already have it. That power is there because HE lives in me. God in me is not measurable in a test or by some scale invented by our world. He is measured in me when I have the ability to synthesize and analyze data to be able to make a diagnosis and treatment plan. He is measured in me by the sigh of relief of parents waiting for test results that you went out of your way to deliver. He is measured in the hugs, hands held, smiles and tissues shared with patients and the ability to respond without fear to the attendings questions.

Today God showed me that He has been there all along, answering my prayers every single day for the last 13 years (and probably longer than that). Luke 10:16 comes to mind when I think of the events of the last few months, "The one who listens to you, listens to Me, and the one who rejects you, rejects me; and he who rejects Me, rejects the One who sent Me." My prayer now is that it is obvious that God is the one working in me, that none of what I have done will be credited to me, but to He who empowers me.

And yes, Pastor Bob. God did speak to me before I reached my car - just as you prayed He would. Only, I'm not quite sure I could recite extra's 5-8 since He spoke to me a little bit before that walk :)