Left Field

There really is no way to describe what I am feeling right now. Yesterday was one of the most emotional days of my life. I was hit with a can of corn from left field with my residency match results. "I'm sorry, you did not match." What? Wait. What? You have to have made a mistake. I had two programs tell me I was a shoe in. They were courting me, not me them.

Admittedly, since Jan I had been having serious doubts about how to rank my list. In the end, I knew I would be a pediatrician - God made that perfectly clear in how the whole year had gone. I mean, wow - look at all the interviews and how well they went. Not to mention my audition rotations. I choose my list based on what I thought was the most important factors - education, clinical experience and patient population. Location was in the list, but not enough to base major moves on. So I submitted my list. It was done, I was happy with the list and knew that the list didn't matter at all. God would put me where HE wanted me to be.

But at the same time, I started to grow sad every time I thought about leaving this area. I started to realize that for the first time in my life I was ready to settle down. Ready to set up shop. Ready to "live" somewhere and be there. I was/am sick of moving every two years. Just as you get established, pick a church and make friends, "bye, gotta go." Sadly, the only way I could see staying "here" was by getting my number 3 ranked spot. So I started praying.

"God, if there is a way, please let me be ranked in a way that I get to stay here. Even if that means not getting what I think is the best program for the above stated reasons."

Pastor Trike would often be heard saying, "Be careful what you pray for." The idea behind that is, when you ask God to give you patience, it's not magical. You're not cursing the world one minute, then sitting patiently waiting your turn to merge the next. No, God will teach you how to be patient through various trials. In then end, we all will be better for the process and patience will blossom.

I had no idea what I was asking God for when I asked to stay here. With a KO punch, I opened my email. My heart stopped, my stomach turned and I sat staring at the computer screen for 20 minutes before I blinked, moved, did anything. Finally I opened the list to see what spots were still open. 12 peds places...in parts of the country I have ZERO desire or call to live in. I dropped to my knees asking for guidance. I realize at this point I have 1 hour and 15 minutes to put together a plan and submit applications for round 2. As I look at this small list of 12, my heart sinks further. There are 4 places I would actually want to live. What to do? I open the family medicine list and see that there are 3 places in Michigan and 1 in Minnesota and 3 in Wisconsin. I think to myself, well, let's apply to them too and see what happens.

All during this time my phone is chirping off the hook. I probably got about 150 texts yesterday. Those of you that helped focus me, talk me off the ledge, I am eternally grateful I text people telling them what happened. I get a call from one friend. She says, "How are you?" I can't answer. It took an hour and a half, but it finally came. I started weeping so hard I couldn't even answer her question. Most of the next hour or so is a blur. Another dear friend dropped what she was doing and came over to help me make sure everything was submitted properly (hard time seeing through the tears) and then we sat researching all of the programs I just applied to - b/c I didn't know a thing about any of them! Praise God at one point she stopped me and said - EAT!

During this time, a good friend who had gone through this a couple years before, was texting me. I honestly don't know where my mood would have gone with his kind words (and well placed humor). But there was one thing that he said that became the wake up call I need. He said, "You need to decide right now what's more important to you, specialty or location."

That one text brought back the last 6 weeks worth of prayers, "Dear God. Please, if there is anyway, please let me stay here. Please!" At that moment, the tears stopped. Did the pain go away, no. Did the delirium of emotions, no food and confusion go away? No. But in that moment I realized that through the pain of this experience I was going to end with the most amazing story of God's faithfulness for me to share with the world.

Did the match turn out how I expected or wanted it? No. It turned out better than I could have ever imagined. My heart is so overfilled with joy right now, I can hardly contain myself. Between what God has done with where I will end up and what I will end up doing (to be continued in a future post) to the outpouring of love from so many people very dear to my heart. My cup overflows. Praise Be to God!