Captivating

So this book was popular in my church back in Minnesota before I moved. I never felt like it would be a book that would speak to me. I mean, I am a woman, but I've never been a girly girl. I don't like shopping (Barnes and Noble and the grocery store excluded), never liked chick flicks, would rather be playing sports, biking or hiking that doing most other things "girls" like to do. So I never jumped on the band wagon, despite being told by several women it is a great book.

I'm just going to say from the front that all of the preconceived ideas of I had about this book were completely wrong...or at least I had them for the time being because I wouldn't have been ready to receive the message of the book until now. My goal is to do a blog post about each chapter to start discussion and as said before, for me something doesn't be solid and true to me until it is shared. Also, this will allow me to go through it multiple times as I am voraciously devouring several self-discovery books right now.

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldridge

Chapter 1

I am a Beauty worthy of being rescued.

This is the main message I got out of this chapter. The book starts with personal stories, examples of little girls and the games, toys and movies they liked growing up. I had a hard time relating to that part of the chapter, as that is not what I remember being drawn to as a little girl.

I mean, I remember playing Barbies and watching the Disney Princess movies growing up. But I don't remember preferring those things to watching He-Man and She-Ra, GI Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I loved school, reading, math, science - and I remember getting a microscope for my birthday one year and absolutely loving it! My birthday themes (that I remember) were Batman and Robin - I even dressed up as Robin for Halloween one year.

When I was 5, I was the only girl in the soccer league. The next summer, I switched to softball, which I played until high school. I felt at home in the dirt behind the plate. Sure, I did tap dance for one year when I was 4, but I have no memory if that was my idea or my parents. I just remember being a bunny in the Peter Pan recital.

As I got older, I focused more on sports and my movie choices all were typical "guy" movies. I was one of the guys through most of high school and college. Many men told me that it was hot that a girl was so into sports. Not that that was the reason I was into sports, but I'm sure those statements helped to continue to repress my feminine side.

Academically I was way to smart to be a normal girl. I skipped classes, took advanced science and math. And by my senior year in high school, I was taking college courses. And I was very happy with who I was and what I accomplished and I knew that big things were in store for me. But deep down inside I knew something was missing, but I didn't know what.

I gave my life over to Christ just before my 18th birthday, my freshman year in college. I felt 100% at that point. Everything in my life felt right and I finally started to understand who I was and why I as made this way.

Until recently I have been struggling again with not feeling complete. It almost feels like a Catch-22. I am perfectly fine with being a single person, living for God and not needing a husband to feel complete. Yet I am alone and want a husband (and kids) and have learned recently (partially through this book) that woman are created to need a man. And that is ok. So I've had this internal debate going on, how can I be a successful, strong, confident doctor and daughter of Christ, yet suddenly not feel complete again.

So up until page 16-17 I was still wondering how much this book was going to speak to me. On page 17 Eldridge says, "For now, don't you recognize that a woman yearns to be seen, and to be thought of as captivating? We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil." Then on page 19 she says, "On the surface we are busy and efficient, professional, even. We are getting by. On the inside women lose themselves in a fantasy world or in cheap novels, or we give ourselves over to food or some other addiction to numb the ache of our hearts. But your heart is still there, crying out to be set free, to find the life your desires tell you of."

As I read those words, I felt like they had been directly written for me. It was like God was shouting, "HELLO VICKI! Are you listening? You have an amazing, beautiful, feminine heart in there. Why are you fighting so hard to keep it hidden? I gave it to you so it/you will shine in the world. The world is dark enough, why would you deny it of your shining beauty?"

My desires tell me that I want to be pursued/rescued by a man willing to fight for me. Willing to go through the trenches for me and then with me. Willing to let me embrace my soft, feminine side and be strong for me, without making me give up the "masculine" side of me that loves sports, war movies, science, math and being the leader God made me to be. And after discovering all of this, I have decided I will not settle for less than that.

I am a Beauty worthy of being rescued!