Made for Relationships

Thomas Merton once said, "Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another."

I heard this quote on Criminal Minds a few weeks ago and started weeping. I instantly looked up Thomas Merton and found that he was a Catholic Monk around the time of WWII. I'm excited to start reading his works. But this quote cut into my soul in a way that changed my life. That night, after hearing this quote on TV I opened my Book of Common Prayer and there was Thomas Merton again. Twenty minutes later a friend posted that same quote as his Facebook status. I was like, "Ok God. I get it."

One thing that I have struggled with for about 8 years is my desire for a husband yet being complete in Christ. I have had such a hard time reconciling these two issues. What I mean is that since I was 18 and gave my life to Christ, I have felt complete. No matter what happens to me, I know God is in control and I need nothing except my faith in Him.

And I have never felt comfortable discussing this in any church circles for several reason. One being the church tends not to handle singleness well. The other is that I have always felt wrong for having such a strong desire to get married - I mean Christ should be enough for me, right?

That is why this quote hit me so hard. We can't find meaning in anything in isolation. We - I - was created for relationships. Chapter 2 in Captivating is titled, "What Eve Alone Can Tell Us." The two themes of the chapter are God's Beauty embodied in women and the creation of man and woman.

One thing about this chapter that got me thinking - they kept taking a woman's personality back to a reflection of who God is. Remember, we were all created in God's image, therefore all aspects of my personality (that are not sin) are manifestations of a quality of God. So with this chapter focusing on a woman's beauty, we are to know that God is beautiful as well. So then, what is the definition of beauty.

They go on to describe a woman who is comfortable in her feminine beauty as someone in whose presence your heart stops holding its breath. You relax and believe once again that all will be well." Beauty invites, nourishes, comforts, inspires, and is transcendent. As I read the description of each of these qualities, I knew that I longed to embody all of this. And that longing was placed there by God so that I can be the woman He created me to be. I was simultaneously excited and sadden. I was able to see a glimpse of who God wants me to be - which fills me with such joy. But saddened by the fact that I was so far from being that woman, or at least so it seemed at the time. Thankfully HE has been working wondering in my heart of the last few weeks and that woman is well on her way of coming out and I am love seeing the glimpses of her coming out.

The second theme of this chapter is creation. What women were created for and how our being here compliments men and God. We were created to be in relationships, and our longings for those relationships are just a shadow of the longing that God has to be in relationship with us. When I realized that, all of my years of longing and feeling like I was in sin for that that longing disappeared. It's not wrong to desire a husband. It's not wrong to feel lonely and long for that connection - because God gave me that longing. What is wrong is if I put that desire for a husband ahead of my desire to be in relationship with God.

"A woman longs to be sought after, too, with the whole heart of her pursuer. God longs to be desired. Just as a woman long to be desired. This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired." This one sentence summed up my whole fear and conflict. It has always felt like a weakness to have these thoughts and desires. Yet it is not. It is God inside of me. I am made to be in a relationship.

For some reason, once I realized this, I felt free to let my feminine beauty blossom. Well, not just free but excited to unveil my beauty to the world. I yearn to be desired and desirable. I yearn to be a woman at rest. I yearn to be inviting.

"There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs." You know what, there is a hidden radiance in my heart. I have been hiding it for so long. But not anymore. I refuse to let my fears dictate this radiance. I will let it shine. I will let the world see how radiant I truly am!