A Huge Weight has been Lifted!

So God has been doing amazing things in my life over the last year. One of the things I have been convicted about is not sharing what He has been doing and not giving Him the proper Glory that HE deserves. So that is reason #1 I wanted to start blogging again. Reason #2 is that I realize a lot of people - both people I know and people I don't - have the EXACT same struggles that I do. So if the insights I have while being refined can help anyone, why wouldn't I want to share.

I am pretty much an open book, you see what you get. At the same time, there is a lot of me that I keep private. My goal here is to publicly and openly share my life in a way that will be honest and open, yet I will never break confidentiality nor will I share online things that I feel need to be kept private. If you are a friend and feel lead to ask more questions, I invite them - but via email or give me a call!

Lastly, I wanted to hopefully bring people out to start a discussion about various issues. I have started reading a book called "Captivating: The Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John and Stasi Eldredge. I am only 2 chapters in and already wish I was reading this with another woman or group of people. So, if anyone else out there has read this book or wants to start reading it, please feel free to join me as I openly discuss what I am learning about my heart and soul - so we can all grow together.
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One year ago, I snapped out of a funk that I was in since starting medical school. I didn't realize I was in a funk. I thought it was just the stress of being a medical student and as things settled I would get back to normal. I can't really remember what it was, but one day I got home from work and felt like someone had hit me in the back of the head with a 2x4 saying, "What have you done to yourself?"

I had let myself become lazy, complacent and seriously overweight. I don't know how or why I let it happen, but there it was. I couldn't ignore it anymore. I mean, I know I have always been large - but in college and up until a few years ago I still was healthy, very active, a runner, a biker, and most importantly I was ok with my size. It never was an issue of not feeling beautiful or not being attractive to men back then. Actually it was the other way around, I felt hot most of the time when we would go out. Obviously high school was different - but what girl doesn't feel ugly during high school?

So December 2011 I decided, I want to be me again. I want to be healthy and active and more importantly I want to feel strong and confident and hot again. So I actively started to make changes to lose weight. I did well for the first 3 months. I dropped about 16 lbs and then stopped losing weight. The first week I was bummed, but then I realized I was starting to shrink - my clothes were all too big. So I researched things and came to discover that I was probably a person who would loose cyclically. That the weight would come down, I'd plateau while my body shape and metabolism caught up and then I would start loosing weight again. I couldn't be happier about all of this! This was back in March 2012.

I did everything you are supposed to do - counted every morsel of food as a calorie and started exercising again. I met with a dietitian to make a formal plan. I joined a gym. Time went on and I could feel my muscles getting stronger and my exercise endurance increasing. Only the weight stayed the same. And my clothes stopped getting looser.

The thing that I have recently admitted aloud for the first time (thanks to a dear friend confronting me about it) I have been scared to loose weight. I really don't know why anyone would be scared of that but I was/am. I am currently trying to figure out where the fear comes from, but I think it has to do with my identity. I have always been the "fat one" so if I loose a lot of weight, I would have to re-invent myself. Also, there is always the doubts and whispers of the tempter saying, "Why bother, you know it won't stay off." Maybe it would just be easier to stay this way?

There is another reason I think I have not been successful - and again, I have been recently convicted on this issue which is why I am sharing it. I have been struggling with this for several years, and even this summer felt like God was telling me this. But sometimes it is easier to keep it buried rather than deal with it. But I am ready and willing to deal with it now.

I have felt (for several years now) that I am supposed to stay this weight until I accept and admit that my size doesn't define who I am. That I am beautiful, sexy, attractive and able to walk confidently at any weight and size. While I have always wanted to lose weight for health and athletic reasons, deep down inside, I have always felt that I wouldn't be attractive enough to find a husband until I lost 100lbs.

I came to this realization in October - October 22 to be exact. And since then, without making very many drastic changes in my lifestyle - just continuing to eat a healthy, balanced diet and exercising when I can - I have lost just over 10 pounds.

While I know that I still have to be mindful of what I eat and to exercise (and train for the Color Run, Diabetes Tour de Cure, and Tough Mudder) I have been set free in knowing that I don't have to count micro-calories anymore. I need to be healthy and the weight loss will come. More importantly, I can say with 100% confidence for the first time in my life my desire to loose weight is 100% for health purposes, not to feel prettier. I don't need to change to be beautiful or worthy love. And sometimes you just need to admit it to the world to make it true - which is what I am trying to do here!

I am a beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, confident, daughter of Christ.

I am a Beauty worthy of rescue....

(more to come on that topic)